The Grief Healing
The Grief Healing-
Understanding Grief and the steps to Heal
Sudden loss or knowing someone is about to transition is one of the hardest, most unimaginable things we as humans may experience. We form in our mind that someone is getting ready to leave our side, but we mentally go into a place of unsecure thoughts, and that’s where we begin to imagine life without them. It is not uncommon to feel overwhelmed when someone dies. It is not uncommon for someone to have a shift in their emotions or feel emotionally unstable. It can be complicated to process. It can be difficult to accept. The thing that we sometimes fail to do is GRIEVE.
Before I continue let me be very clear, grief can mean different things for different people-grieving is not predictable. Understand that there is no expiration date on when a person has fully processed the loss of someone’s life.
For me, losing my grandfather this year was hard. I remember talking to my mom as she was telling me what was going on with him. I remember asking her for the phone number to his room, as he was in the hospital going through testing to see what was going on. I remember calling a few times a day, but I never got a response. I told my mom he wasn’t answering the phone when I called, and she said, “he is probably just sleep. He has been really tired.” I let a few days go by and I wanted to call him again at a random time to see if he would pick up, and he didn’t. A few days went by and I called my grandmother and somehow, we got on the topic of my grandfather. I remember saying that I keep calling his hospital room phone and he’s not answering. I said, “I just want to talk to him.” Her response was, “well you can’t. He is unresponsive. The doctors are running test, but he is not breathing on his own.”
The only thing I remember thinking about after that conversation was that I didn’t want to lose my grandfather. I didn’t want to lose him like this, in the hospital, which he hated. I started thinking about my life with him and his zeal for living on his own terms. I haven’t seen my grandfather in person in almost a year because of the pandemic. (I think the pandemic made it hard for a lot of people to see their loved ones.) This made it even harder to deal with because his health was declining and there was nothing no one could do. Family went up to visit him, but it wasn’t looking good. Prayers were sent. Conversations with God became heated sometimes because we just wanted to pray this away. My mom facetimed me in the hospital so I could see him….
He was no longer on the ventilator, and though he was breathing on his own, he still wouldn’t wake up. The last glimpse I noticed of my grandfather, a nurse tried to put a tub down his throat to help suction out some fluids so he could feel more comfortable, but he closed his mouth so tight and wouldn’t move his lips to open his mouth again. Maybe this was his way of letting go, because at this time I seen a tear roll out his eye and down his cheek. Want to talk about grieving? I didn’t know that letting go meant I needed to let go too. On the morning of Jan 20th, 2021, a day I will NEVER forget, my mom called me and stated that no changes had occurred with my grandfather’s health and they were going to move him to hospice. At 9:44pm I received a call from my mom. By the sound of her voice I knew something happened. She said the words softly, “he just passed.” She didn’t want to talk, as respected, and I told her I would call her tomorrow.
Though I told general bits of what occurred with his death, I wasn’t quite ready to accept that he was gone. I never knew processing his death would hurt so bad. I was angry and upset. I would like to tell myself that this could’ve been prevented, but I really don’t know.
At That Moment
When you’re coping with a big life change with the death of a loved one, it may feel like the part of your world has ended. Big changes with the death of someone can sometimes mean that an aspect of your life has been altered. The challenge is understanding that your life isn’t over, but rather one chapter may have come to an end. Finding that peace may seem like it’s a long way, but here are a few steps that’s helping me grieve, mourn, understand, accept, acknowledge, respond and even push myself through unbearable moments:
Acceptance of what has happened- this is the place where you acknowledge what has occurred. This to me is the place where you’re shocked or even in denial. Accepting that something has happened will allow for you to begin the grieving stage.
2. Understand your emotions- this is not a place where you want to suppress how you feel. Give your emotions an opportunity to be vocal. No matter what you feel, FEEL IT. Are you frustrated or hurt, sad or confused? Are you lonely or feel depressed? Are you angry? Say it. Know that these feelings are normal and often needed to move through sudden change. You don’t have to put on a brave face for those around you. This is an opportunity to connect with a close friend or family. This is a way for people to help you, as this is equally important in the healing process.
3. Work through it- grief is a process - you may be struggling to adjust to living life without this person but give yourself time to. This is all new. As you work during this stage, you can begin to feel a sense of control over your life. Sometimes that may require space, but this is where you will do a lot of reflecting. Stages 1 and 2 are clear at this point.
4. Return to you- this is where you focus on your life. Changes may occur but at this point there are strategies in place. You may be surprised at your strength at this point. This is where you start to discuss how to move forward. This is a stage of acceptance, making it a little easier to talk about. You may not feel happy all at once, but you will feel a little less sadness, a lot more clarity, and a great sense of how much more this person meant to you in your present.
I work on these steps daily to understand how I am grieving. For some, it could be a song that comes on that reminds you of them, or you see someone that resembles them. Sometimes I feel like I am angry or sad all over again, but I re-read step #4. It’s important to return to yourself. Grieving can be hard but following these steps can also bring you freedom. Healing in this area does not mean you won’t have moments of grief, but you find healthy was to cope. Each day I think about my grandfather and his life. I remember how fearless he was and how much he loved me. I remember his smile and his sense of humor. This allows me to go on with my days as he would have wanted. I get sad but I shared SO MANY AMAZING MOMENTS with him that I can’t stay sad too long.
You read it all. Thank you. The person you thought of in reading this loves you too. If they could be here, I am sure they would. In grieving, remember that it’s different for everyone, but only you can do the work to return to you.
-Reggie Lawhorn
