Breathe Again

Do you ever think back on your past relationships and get upset from things you wish you could have done differently? Have you ever thought that maybe you were the problem? Have you ever loved someone who was incapable of loving you back? Or Have you ever loved someone so much that you ignored all the red flags because you knew in your heart that they were a good person? Sometimes we feed ourselves lies in hopes the truth would expose itself and make liars out of our thoughts; but it doesn’t pan out that way. Then we make excuses as to why we hold on to people who consistently let us drown in their sorrow.

Craving the forbidden fruit:

There she is. The most amazing gift to look you right in the eyes, like it was too good to be true. The connection was real; for the moment. She was fascinating but she had an underlining streak that made her a little more interesting. Could I be moving too fast? She came from a broken home and worked hard for everything she obtained. She had a smile that could light up a room and a walk that made you step back in admiration. She was caring and compassionate about helping others. But she was hurt. She was insecure. She had a mean streak; a trigger that she hid behind her outward love for God. She was a good liar; a hypocrite, the person that I loved but she didn’t love me back. She was forbidden to be with anyone at that time. I wasn’t told by anyone that I couldn’t love her, but she was tarnished goods that was incapable of giving something she knew nothing about. She smiled and got what she wanted. She worked hard and people rewarded her work ethic. She was admired because she had a desire to feel wanted. And I was no longer the only one interested in her. Others had more to give but she kept me around. She kept me around because I was unwanted. She was the forbidden fruit that I thought I could save into being with me. I thought I would be a better man but I was confused more with her than without her. And I invested so much time and energy and money and prayers and sacrificed my own to see her beautiful smile. Trash. But she shared herself with others and I became useful when she felt she had no one else to run too.

Breathe. Now Go:

I’ve always been taught to work hard for anything that I wanted. I was also told that sometimes the bad things come into our lives to distract and mislead us from obtaining things that could be blessings. But I was never told to not pay attention to the destruction; just keep at it. I allowed myself to stay longer than I should have because I was afraid of how life would be without her in it. Even when she wasn’t around I did well, but when she did come around and I had to stop what I was doing because maybe, just maybe, she would finally see me. It wasn’t until she stopped communicating with me and I heard from others that she moved on that I finally had my opportunity to move on. She gave me no choice. But nope, I needed to see who she moved on too and if this man was better than me. And how did he look; was he bigger or smaller, and what did he do, because I gave my broken heart to someone who only made more pieces. I couldn’t return after this. How? I still wanted to end things, face to face. And I had questions, like, “what was I doing wrong?”  Was my all not good enough; even when she didn’t give it back. Were my attempts a sign of weakness? Was I strong enough to let go and do what was right?

 At That Moment:

Q: Why did you stay so long?

A: I thought she could save me.

Selfish, maybe so, but I thought if I saved her she would save me. Silly, right? I had to think about what I was doing and bringing to the table: I was everything for love that love kept me from doing. I went into this relationship with past relationship expectations and everything I told her she used against me. But if I did everything she wanted of me she would save me from myself. I thought this was it. But I too was broken and she was broken and all we did was break each other more. She got away, she did, but I always made it possible for her to return. Why do we keep the door to our hearts ajar? And when people move on, why don’t we let them? We sometimes think we can change someone or make them believe in what we believe, and realistically we can’t.  Broken people go into relationships with their eyes closed, their expectations low, and thoughts unspoken. Some people fail at communicating what they’ve been through, going through, or even what they need from a mate. Stop asking questions about someone’s favorite color and favorite wines. Get to know people. Get into depth about each other’s past and each piece of a heartache.  Understand the baggage someone brings will also become yours. Sometimes we miss the red flags because our desires outweigh our reality. We find ourselves playing tug-a-war with our hearts because we don’t want to lose those moments of how it ‘first’ started off. There is nothing wrong with leaving when nothing is flourishing from it. And we should stop trying to fill voids in others’ lives that aren’t created for us to mend, because we’re the ones that get hurt. I forgave myself, my time, the unreturned love, the sacrifices, the hope, the unkept promises, for not mending my own brokenness before trying to get into another relationship, my expectations, and most importantly, her!

It’s funny how we get what we ask for but we never ask for the instructions.

-Reggie Lawhorn