Crossing our own boundaries?

A few weeks ago, I had a moment where I had to re-evaluate my expectations of people in my life. Sometimes, we harbor how we feel to protect someone else’s feelings, but when we set those boundaries that people cross, why do we keep our feelings to ourselves? If people respect you, they should also know when they did you wrong, right?

I remember some years ago being told to never overreact over things/people I can’t control; but I was never taught how to express my feelings properly when those concerns arise. So, for me, I process my thoughts before I can express how I feel, and I ask questions to make sure they understand what I am saying. When it pertains to our feelings, we shouldn’t suppress them until we feel that we’ve had enough. Instead, we should be vocal in our intent to release that emotion and hope that whomever we’re talking too understands where we’re coming from.

 We tend to walk into someone’s lives being ourselves and sometimes that’s not enough to fit into someone else’s category of what they need. In other words, ‘everyone is not for everybody.’ When people show you who they are, why don’t we believe them? Do we think we can change their attitude or way of thinking? Do we feel that if we give people what they want they will return the favor? Or are we so insecure within ourselves that we would keep anything around just to say we have something? When we are ourselves there’s nothing no one can take from us; unless their mimicking our way of thinking. We come to the table with what we know and give based upon our understanding. Everyone might not agree but we don’t always accept everyone either.

What I was re-evaluating was my feelings toward not feeling valued in some of my friendships. Sometimes I feel like I am the one who is constantly there but when I need my friends, they are not around. I can go on and on about how I’ve sacrificed something to make sure my friends (and family) had what they needed. I have gone countless nights on the phone with people who just needed to talk or vent about something they may have been going through. I’ve sent people money, helped on trips, gave of myself because in any friendship/relationship you establish LOYALTY. My best friend told me something that made me think about friendships moving forward. It also made me want to write this blog: “whenever there’s disappointment there were always expectations.” If you think about it, our level of expectations of someone and how they didn’t match what we would do, offsets that emotion that we hold on too.

At That Moment:

Story over. Page turned.

This is the time you look at how you feel. Understand why those feelings have arrived. Take into consideration that you’re entitled to how you feel but you can’t stay there. This might be hard for people to accept, but I call it ‘taking responsibility for holding on.’ You don’t have to wait on somebody else to express how they feel for you to speak up. If someone is not being a friend and you have been feeling this way for a long time, why are you holding on? Why continuously get mad at someone whose showing you that they don’t care? We hold on to these chapters of friendships that should be creating dust and still get mad as if the words have changed. Turning the page is like the year beginning; an opportunity to start over and re-write the plans for your life without certain people in it.

Change your energy.

In times of heartache, you will sometimes be to yourself. You might start questioning other friendships and even hidden motives.  For me, I find myself by myself, with thoughts racing, and in those lonely moments those areas of doubt and feeling unloved will surface. An alone spirit will harbor on the bad, but who does it change? Changing your energy is all about changing how you feel. Changing how you feel means you need to revisit those expectations and you also need to look at why these people are in your life. Being friendly doesn’t mean everybody deserves a friendship title. I am a firm believer that spirits need some place to rest. Sometimes those spirits come from negative people with negative thoughts and negative outlooks on life. It’s important to station yourself around positive energy and people who aren’t looking down on life. Be around people who believe in you and challenge you to be your best.

I need to see you Smile.

You probably read that and smiled. Good. My best friend is my inspiration and he pushes me to look at life from a different lens; the lens I create for myself. When I was going through my moment, I posted a status on Facebook. That’s what everyone does right, to get the attention of the people you wrote the status for?  When your friends know you, they know what your words sound like. They also know when they need to pick up the phone and call you. He said, “I need to see you smile” and I knew exactly what he meant. When you are friends with a creative your thoughts are interlaced. Your visions are aligned. Seeing someone smiles can confuse the viewers opinion, but a real smile doesn’t lie. When you’re with your friends, smiles and laughs are endless. But when you’re around people you can’t smile with, what are you expecting from the friendship? “That’s just who they are” is an excuse people say to not deal with that person on that level, but that’s not fair to either of you. Find friends you can be yourself around and people that make you smile. The next step in smiling is cutting those people off. I’ve had to cut off friendship that I had for YEARS because it became toxic, and argumentative, and I was tired of holding on to the hurt. I was tired of holding to something that was no longer present. I was tired of hurting myself by being around who weren’t for me.

Loneliness creates a space for you to hurt. In the words of Gary John Bishop, author of ‘Unfu*k Yourself,’ “get out of your head and into your life.” Know that the people you surround yourself with influence your life. The things you pay attention to feeds into your life. The things you believe feeds into your life. Re-evaluate those expectations, as your life depends on it. Don’t allow anyone to cross the boundaries you create and don’t you cross them to make someone else happy. No excuses!