I'm Good. Damaged, but Good.

I’m Good! A Damaged Good

We talked for hours about everything. We shared the same admiration for God. We always knew what the other was thinking that we completed each other sentences. We would cuddle for hours at a time. I received the most amazing hugs. Forgetting that I am not the most affectionate, I still embraced each one of those hugs. We would sing silly songs together, though my voice always sounded better. I like who I was becoming and I didn’t have to pretend that it wasn’t love. But was this really love? I couldn’t say the words. I was afraid of the words being heard. I been down that road where vulnerability created hiccups, and my manhood to a beautiful broken vessel could appear to be perceived as weak; so, I thought.

Damaged: inflict physical harm on (something) to impair its value, usefulness, or normal function.

I went into this relationship thinking I had everything together. At the time I just graduated college. I moved to a new state and I was mentally in a different headspace. I was a Black educated man with standards and morals. If I come into this relationship the right way, who could be against that? Then I kept recreating my dreams (Be careful what you pray for).

I already considered myself damaged from my past relationships. No physical harm but if my heart could speak I am sure it would say “run” at the chance of love coming my way. Loving her was hard. I gave so much of myself for something false. I wanted it all back; my time, my efforts, my sleepless nights, my happiness. I became indecisive. I became weak. I built a wall up to keep people away. I stopped giving people chances, and some point I stopped even trying. I wasted time I will never see again. I loved her more then I loved myself and I was the one who suffered a loss; yet she played the victim. She had a way of walking in and out my life but somehow, I stayed in place for her return each time. I was tired of being hurt but I couldn’t let go.

Damaged Goods: a person regarded as inadequate or impaired in some way.

She told me she was no longer interested in loving me because someone else had captured her moments interest. She had me wrapped around her fingers. I still wanted it to work out, but I realized something. The moment(s) I felt that she was comforting she was only looking for protection. And each time she left, she knew I would always be there. I broke my own rules for companionship; it wasn’t love. It’s no surprise for most people that the person you first meet is not the same person you broke-up from. I found myself making excuses for someone else’s opinion; as if my thoughts weren’t my own. And after-while, I began accepting the truth. My thoughts were ignored and I lost myself in someone else’s reality. I fought for years to escape what was a self-inflicted decision that also left me tired of ME!

At That Moment:

We didn’t make it, obviously, but I wasn’t alone in the struggle to sustain what was love. We had the same issues when it came to relationships; we didn’t understand the language and we were even confused with the feeling. Ever felt like you were in a situation where you were alone in a feeling that no one ever experienced? That’s how it feels when your torn in situations. And for a moment, we forget that we’re human. We forget that we have other opportunities. This wasn’t the end of the world, this was the beginning of two souls finally getting it and not looking to rekindle something we no longer wanted to fix.

Even being damaged I am still good. I learned that in those low areas of my life, it made me stronger in other areas. I tore down the walls and knew how to walk into better doors that I created. I made an opportunity to choose to open those doors or leave them closed. I talk about my feelings now so there’s no confusion. I’ am able to help my friends other people in their relationships by doing what I should have done in my own. I continue to allow myself to feel and not to disregard signs. I hold no hurt nor shame. I am still a man, a black successful man with a voice, a huge heart and so much love to give; to someone more deserving when that time comes.

I’ll leave you with this: We are never too sure in which direction life will take us. And though we feel we have control, we fail to realize that we just make decisions; we don’t get to choose the outcome of our choices.

Regg Law